According to the song, Sorry seems to be the hardest word. That’s true for some of us some of the time, but saying no seems to be even harder. This boundary issue is underpinned by our upbringing and our motivation, and amplified by our context. In this short blog I talk about why it’s such a problem and some of the frustrations and consequences which come with saying yes too often. I also highlight approaches which my clients are developing, to help them keep out of the danger zone.
Why is this such an issue?
If you’re wondering why this matters, it’s because a lack of boundary management can lead to burnout. Burnout comes in different guises. The tiredness that doesn’t go away, despite early nights. The migraines, dizziness and nausea that some experience. The dread of cracking on with things you used to enjoy. And the numbness which means you can’t connect anymore with friends and family as you once did. The symptoms may vary and the causes are many, but one which is prevalent for many of my coaching clients is the blurring of boundaries between their work time and their personal time.
Boundary issues have always existed. And in the 21st century they’ve been exacerbated by the rapid development of communication technology and by changes following the Covid pandemic. This has created a mis-match between what we used to do and what we are now expected to do. When some of my clients first started work the phone was fixed to the wall by a cord. Work was something they did at employers’ and clients’ premises, not in their spare bedroom, dining room or home office.
The unintended consequences of digital technology have a lot to answer for, but so do human choices. The boss who simply has to share her Wednesday night networking photos with you is crossing a line (in my opinion). And her 3am WhatsApp solution to your work challenge becomes a boundary breaker the minute she hits Send. Because we can work or communicate from anywhere at any time, there is a growing cultural expectation that we should. In many sectors, colleagues are deemed to be perpetually available. I have no idea how this phenomenon is going to manifest itself when Gen Z reaches midlife, but for Gen X it’s intolerable. Our personal context matters too; in a recent study by Mental Health UK, 68% of women aged 45-54 said that perimenopausal and menopausal symptoms were a contributing factor to burnout.
We are never truly alone anymore, even when we are – allegedly – not at work. And that’s a pity, because time spent alone is part of the restorative balance our busy lives need.
How are other people managing?
I recently asked a cohort of women I was coaching what their three top tips were for managing time and communication boundaries. Here’s what they came up with.
- At the start of a new job, they explicitly discuss expectations with their boss. Most of these clients have learnt the hard way; renegotiating “soft” boundaries such as out of hours text messaging once they’re six months – or six years – into a job is more difficult than clarifying expectations in their first week.
- They adopt a ruthless approach to email management. These are the people who switch off their email notifications and only check emails three times a day. They never respond to an email which doesn’t have a specific request, and they don’t build complicated Inbox folder structures. If this sounds like sacrilege, read this Harvard Business Review article. Suspend judgement til you’ve envisaged what you might do with the 6 hours a week you could be saving!
- They model the behaviour they expect of others. They pop their head round the office door rather than send a message. They only email when it’s absolutely necessary. They don’t copy people who don’t need to know just to cover their backs and they rarely hit Reply All. They keep to a single subject per email, lead with the salient information, and make clear whether action is required.
So much for the hygiene issues. What about the meaty stuff? Many clients find they are the “go to” person when there’s an opportunity or a challenge in the business. This boundary is harder to manage because of how we are motivated. We want to be helpful (and say yes). Many of us seek new challenges (and say yes). We like to gain recognition for the value we bring (and say yes). And in an uncertain world we strive to establish certainty (by saying yes).
What more can you do?
A helpful stance is to develop a triage system. Other people’s challenges are just that – theirs not yours! In this case, the key is to redirect ownership. Try “This sounds like a managerial issue. What steps have you taken to address this directly with them?” And for those opportunities which sound genuinely interesting and a good match for your skills, give yourself permission – and time – to consider the matter before responding fully. When you’re invited to take control of a new area of business, you experience a dopamine spike. But it’s temporary – it’s amazing how much less intriguing and exciting a plan looks when you’ve given it serious thought. Sending a holding reply allows you to separate your immediate emotional reaction from your rational, long-term decision.
How can coaching help?
If boundary management were easy, it wouldn’t be such a hot topic in my work with clients. People come to executive coaching because they have already explored the options that they understand – they are highly competent people. Our coaching conversations help them work out why they are over-committing and to distinguish between the different facets of relational boundaries. We often discuss low-stakes strategies which over time will amount to a cumulative shift in behaviour and thinking. And we spend significant time on how to communicate “no” from a values-led perspective. The result – a move away from fire-fighting and the risk of burnout, towards a more strategic mindset.
If you’re grappling with boundary issues, whether it’s digital out-of-hours overload or the demands of colleagues, an executive coach may be the additional resource you deserve, so drop me a line.