All of us experience feelings of hurt from time to time, based on what people say about us and to us. But some of us find it harder to deal with than others. No doubt you’ve heard the saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. This may be an aspirational affirmation for some but for most of us it’s a downright lie, serving only to make us feel inadequate when other people’s words have already made us feel broken. This blog post unpacks what goes on when we receive feedback that hurts, suggests why those emotions feel so intense, and highlights some options for countering the effects as well as learning to do differently in the future.
Feedback feelings in a nutshell…
Our first experience of feeling hurt by the things people say may go back to childhood. When we’re young our lack of agency and authority in our lives reinforces that what others/adults say and think is probably right. Even in young adulthood many of us live and study within hierarchies and power structures which mean that what other people say and think about us defines our present and shapes our future. Fast forward a decade or two and hopefully as adults we have more control over our lives, but we’re still dependent on others’ opinions of us. Feedback about our effectiveness is an essential part of the psychological contract of work. We expect our work to be assessed to meet certain standards, and we expect to be able to develop in our roles. Neither of these is possible without an element of feedback, yet many of us do not cope well with others’ views.
It’s an open secret that people struggle to deal with feedback, so some managers and leaders spend inordinate amounts of time agonising over how to give feedback that doesn’t wound. Their efforts may bear fruit, but more likely not. Their feedback is often watered down, or only delivered in part for fear of triggering negative behaviour.
What’s happening, emotionally?
We can experience a wide range of emotions when people give us work-based feedback. It may be relief that the feedback is positive (or at least that it isn’t wholly negative). Or endorsement because what’s being said aligns with what we already know about ourselves. We may feel acceptance because we perceive the feedback to be fair and balanced, and motivated as we can immediately see how to develop ourselves further. But we may also feel anguish. Anguish and pain can be real blockers. They both stop us from moving forwards and create a long list of consequences which then need to be dealt with.
If you’re someone who has felt anguish and pain when receiving feedback, you may have noticed that your pain triggers a negative spiral of emotions. You go from feeling OK about yourself and the world, to experiencing only the negatives, and seeing everything from a point of view of failure. Talking about the emotions of pain and hurt, experts at mental health advocacy organisation PsychCentral say “It’s like wearing a pair of sunglasses. Even if you don’t intend to, you’ll see everything else through that filter, and things may look darker than they actually are.” This “darkening” effect is called cognitive distortion. Dr Peter Grinspoon identifies 12 (one for each month!) of the most common distortions which our brains create in an article for HBR. These distortions sap our energy, change how we see the world and relate to people, and increase our anxiety levels. In other words, we lose out several times over!
Am I the only one?
If you’ve experienced anguish and negative spiralling, you’re not alone. My own experience of feeling anguish following feedback seems to boil down to two things: it may be because I do not agree with this feedback. This elicits feelings of anger, injustice and a need to respond. To be honest, these have been fewer in number than the second situation – which is the anguish I experience when I agree with what’s been said. Much of my anguish over feedback is when I recognise a kernel of truth in what’s being said. Deep deep down, buried in fact, is the knowledge that what I’m hearing is true in part, though I hear it in full. For me, this triggers my saboteurs, particularly my desire for perfection. If you haven’t come across emotional saboteurs before, check out this video by Shirzad Chamine which spells them out clearly.
In the past, my anguish has also triggered a sense of shame . Brenée Brown has written extensively on this subject. I commend her to you if you haven’t discovered her wisdom already. She observes, “If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment”. It’s often our own judgment of ourselves or our situation provides the fuel for shame to grow, and it’s shame that makes feedback feel so painful. The solution Brenée Brown proposes is empathy. Like throwing water on a fire, dousing shame with empathy smothers the life out of it by swapping judgment-of-self for care-of-self.
Taking control of feedback
The are many benefits of dealing with this issue. In the first place, it makes life less tense at any point that evaluation is being carried out. Whether it’s your annual appraisal or the end of a project you’ve been involved with, if you’re not feeling anxious about feedback, you’ll fare a whole lot better. Getting on top of feedback fear also allows you to take risks and experiment, which leads to greater learning. When you feel less anxious about feedback, you might be able to put yourself forward for a new role, or decide to embrace a workplace challenge, knowing that there will be feedback at the end of the process.
There are several ways you can take control to make hearing feedback easier. Firstly, in your mind you can reframe new information as “potentially powerful” rather than “frightening”. Secondly, remember that feedback from one human about another is subjective, because humans are not good at making objective assessments of each other. This compelling article by HBR nearly made me stop giving feedback altogether! As managers, we should certainly read and reflect before ploughing in confidently, believing that what we say will make a positive difference!
Next, recognising that feedback , though subjective, is potentially powerful evidence for learning, you can build in opportunities to seek it, and time to analyse and reflect on it.
Creating feedback opportunities
By inviting feedback, you’re automatically creating openness in place of secrecy. Taking control of the process like this often takes the sting out of critical feedback as you have more ownership. Key stages in your work life can be opportunities to receive helpful feedback. There are two particular points where feedback is not routinely offered. But maybe it’s time to break new ground?!
The first is following the interview that gets you the job. Few people are offered feedback on their interview performance when they are successful. This is a missed opportunity and reinforces the idea that feedback is (only) for failures! A short discussion about the strengths that the interviewers identified will help you understand how others see you. You’ll be able to consolidate your positive attributes enabling you to be more purposeful about them. Similarly, any areas where the interviewers feel you will need support should also be discussed.
The second key point when you might seek feedback is when you are leaving an organisation. A debrief with your line manager and with other colleagues will give you clarity about what you’ve brought to your role. Getting feedback on how you’ve showed up may be a crucial step in helping you land your next job. In restructures and layoffs, some organisations are able to offer support for those seeking new roles. This is an ideal opportunity to gather feedback to help you identify the best roles going forwards, the ones which are a good match for your skills.
Context is everything
Formal opportunities for feedback will no doubt be built into your working year and should always be set out clearly. If you receive a quarterly appraisal at which your line manager will give you feedback, you are entitled to know what topics will be discussed. Is it just your work objectives, or will it include how you behave in order to achieve your goals and targets? Are you expected to prepare for this discussion by having evidence of where you’ve performed well and where you need to do differently? Or is it only your manager who needs to do this?
Informal processes often feel trickier to navigate because these discussions may take us by surprise. Many of us feel completely wrong-footed by being given feedback when we didn’t expect it. Caught off guard, we find it hard to absorb the information. This can also trigger suspicion. Am I being observed all the time? What else will they be looking out for? If your brain freezes and you find it difficult to take in the feedback, ask to talk to that person about it in a day or two. This will give you time to manage your emotions and see the feedback for what it is – data to aid learning.
A further complexity is when feedback is delivered in front of others. This requires trust, transparency and a clear expectation on the part of everyone that this is a normal part of work. We all negotiate boundaries every day of our working lives and those around feedback are some of the most important. If regular evaluation, and feedback, is part of your working practice, at key points in a project life cycle, or whenever a contract is renewed, then it really helps if everyone knows the rules of engagement.
The value of a feedback framework
One of the ways we can improve feedback is to insist on a framework. This helps standardise the process. Because a framework can be shared with everyone involved, it ensures that there are fewer surprises. A good framework is designed so that feedback is balanced. This doesn’t mean sandwiching (or burying!) the critical feedback between praise and plaudits (the risks of this are described really well in this article by Dane Jensen). It means making sure that those giving feedback have considered your performance in the round. I find the SaMoLo method appealing; it’s easy to remember what I’m doing, it’s balanced and it sets boundaries which establishes control.
Finding a thinking partner
If you’re aware that feeling hurt has got a hold on you, then no doubt you will already have tried to approach your emotions differently. You might decide to reach out for support as you work through feelings associated with feedback. You may have a friend or family member who is a good listener, or a colleague who asks insightful questions. And perhaps you’re wondering whether a coach – who combines good listening with equally good questions – could work alongside you?
I describe myself as a thinking partner, someone with whom you share a purposeful process to move an issue forward. In a coaching conversation, as well as sharing your feelings (which removes both the secrecy and the silence which feed shame) I might also ask you to say out loud to me what you’re saying silently, on the inside, to yourself. And then we’ll reframe and rethink to remove and replace harsh judgement. Reframing is like changing your sunglasses for clear ones, with the right prescription. It removes the dark filter and helps you to see the world in a kinder light. It means changing some of your words for others which are similar but less punitive or less absolute.
If you’d like to talk about giving and receiving feedback, get in touch or arrange a Discovery Call to decide whether a Thinking Partner will help you conquer your fear of feedback.