Do you aim, unsuccessfully, for Perfect? If you battle with an inner perfectionist, you know (deep down) that you’re not alone. But have you really unpicked just how unhelpful that particular demon is? In this post, that’s what I’m going to do. I’ll also share my experience of fear, procrastination and, eventually, doing. And in the process I hope that you will feel a bit more of a sense of belonging (to a human race which is wired for imperfection), and a greater sense of doing differently in future.
Podiums and pedestals
Our endless pursuit – and reward – of excellence starts early. Beyond toddlerhood, it’s rare to be praised purely for trying! Podium places are usually small in number and reserved for those who are best, or at least better than the rest. Most of us have a significant person in our early years who may appear omniscient, all powerful and super-capable. We tend to put this person on a pedestal, celebrating their successes, trying to mirror them and laying down the foundations of what we should strive for.
The combination of podiums and pedetals leads to a belief that Perfect is possible. Spoiler alert: it isn’t.
Perfectionism is a false goal, because it is rarely sustainably achievable. It is also ruinous. It ruins our relationship with others, skews our goals and warps our belief in our own abilities. For those plagued with imposter feelings, a deep-seated belief in Perfect is part of the architecture and infrastructure which underpins and maintains their unhappy feelings.
Perfectionism is a precursor to procrastination
If you are prone to putting things off, it may be because you know you’re worried that you’re not perfect, not good enough. Of course, it may also be because you’re waiting on more information, or permission to start. But if you hold a senior position in your organisation and you find yourself missing your own deadlines, the chances are that you may be suffering from perfectionism.
This kind of procrastination has two faces: inability to start (for fear of doing the wrong thing) and inability to make a decision (again, for fear of doing the wrong thing). If you’re good at root cause analysis, you will quickly work out that there is at least one unhelpful “belief” or theory which sits beneath both types of problem – the belief that there’s only one right answer. Holding this to be true, you’re very likely to put off starting – or finishing – your work in case the solutions and answers you come up with turn out to be wrong. If on the other hand, you believe that there’s more than one answer which is right enough, you’ll be in a stronger position to make a start, make a decision, and finish things off. Simples? If only!
Perfectionism and punishment
With this cycle of unattainability and inability to start, comes a cycle of punishment. You may be familiar with an inner conversation in which you berate yourself not only for what you haven’t achieved, but for the fact that you habitually don’t achieve. And have you thought what it’s like to be led by you when you’re in this mode? Perfectionists as leaders and managers often inflict their inner habits on others. They set targets – which they call standards – which are unachievable; they micro-manage. Their own fear of not being good enough translates quickly into others not being good enough. They become impossible to please, but demand that others try to do so.
Perfectionism is the enemy of the Good
My younger, perfectionist self was told early doors, by more seasoned managers, not to let the Perfect be the enemy of the Good. Honestly, at the time, this felt like lazy management, and indeed in some ways it was. A team leader who couldn’t find a way to motivate his colleagues had accepted their less than optimal results and bridled when I set out my ambitions for his department. But he had a point. My perfect plan, designed for a perfect group of people, and with no flexibility built in for learning or experimentation, was doomed to fail. A different approach would have been to co-design something good. It would have taken longer. I would have had to relinquish control. I would not have got a podium place for first, second or third past the post. But what we could have achieved together would have been good. And probably good enough. More importantly it would have got done!
From paralysis to progress
A more recent experience taught me something else about myself and the pursuit of perfection. One of my most disconcerting work experiences happened just a few months ago. I found myself primed to deliver training to a group of people who, it turned out, had little faith in the process I was part of. Derailed by a few of my own perfectionist demons (particularly the one which says only idiots get lost, can’t use satnav, don’t have hands-free kit in the car and arrive late), I lost the plot. The work I’d prepared stayed in my bag and I floundered in the face of their resistance. Looking back I’m fascinated to see what happened.
The Play
- Act 1, Scene 1: Consultant arrives well prepared but late and encounters resistance. Feelings of inadequacy flood her neo-cortex. Flight feels like a really good option. Instead, Freeze sets in.
- Act 1, Scene 2: Consultant spends a precious hour listening to deeply uncomfortable though partly justifiable views from clients. Flight and Freeze continue to dominate.
- Act 1, Scene 3: Client, realising that live training session with young people is now imminent, starts to panic.
- Act 2: Consultant unfreezes and decides that delivering work, any work, to the young people is better than doing nothing.
- Intermission: clients form a huddle, young people arrive and eat crisps, and consultant, on auto pilot, organises her resources.
- Act 3: Consultant delivers an engaging, productive session for the young people; some of the training goals are met.
- Prologue: Done is definitely better than perfect. Done, it turns out, is good enough.
What I learnt from this paralysing experience is that my reptilian brain is alive and well! My Flight and Freeze responses are near the surface when needed (and, of course, when they’re not). My Fight reflex is, as usual for me, dormant in the moment, though quite vocal on the drive home, listing many things I could hvae said in my own defence when faced with the client’s resistance.
What still intrigues me is that in the face of my client’s panic, I unfroze and focussed on taking action. I would have enjoyed the session with the youngsters more if it hadn’t been for the anxious hour with the client beforehand, but I don’t think that the young people would have learned more. And this is the key take-away for me: my desire for perfection – perfect planning, perfect timing, perfect positive interactions with clients, as well as perfectly executed training – doesn’t serve me or those I work with particularly well. Most of the time I know this, and I operate from a more generous stance. But occasionally my perfectionist voice still kicks in. And when it does, I’m temporarily floored.
Kicking the habit
Perfectionism is a pernicious habit. It lives in the shadows, fed by our achievement and our inner voice. If you recognise a perfectionist streak in yourself, you have already made an important step to addressing the issue. But there’s more to changing a bad habit than just recognising that it exists. Enter the thinking partner. I can help you dismantle the apparatus that keeps the myth of perfectionism alive. If you’d like to talk about banishing this imposter, get in touch.